


Stirring Onward

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Drama, First Time, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-06-10
Updated: 2003-06-10
Packaged: 2017-11-01 11:08:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/355994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You can stir it in, but you can't stir it out."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stirring Onward

## Stirring Onward

by SkaterBoy

<http://www.livejournal.com/~edgecity>

* * *

Title: Stirring Onward  
Category: Drama, First Time, Romance  
Spoilers for: Tempest, Vortex, Skinwalker, Suspect, Exodus Summary: "You can stir it in, but you can't stir it out." 

* * *

Clark isn't sure how he ended up in New York, but he's here and now he doesn't know what to do with himself. The ring doesn't have much of an effect on him anymore, just makes his blood pound a little faster and he's not so concerned about what other people think. 

It's hot, which makes sense because it's the middle of the summer. He takes off the leather jacket and gives it to some homeless person, who will probably pawn it to buy alcohol but Clark doesn't really care. He's called home a few times, pay phones in Metropolis and Chicago and now New York City. He thinks he's been to at least ten different states in the past month, which is more traveling than he's done in his whole life. Well, except for that journey from Krypton to Earth, but he doesn't even remember that so it doesn't count. His parents have stopped begging him to come home; now they just listen to what he has to say and tell him they love him when he says he has to go. Another day, another city, and Clark starts heading north. 

Until he sees the headline. 

He reads the New York Times through the dirty plastic. Apparently they've found Lex, which is weird because as far as Clark knows he wasn't even missing. He _has_ been pretty self-involved since leaving Smallville, trying to get his father's angry voice out of his head. It's been a constant echo of his own guilt. He keeps remembering finding out that the baby died, his little brother or sister, and it's like a punch in the gut every time. Whoever said he's invulnerable was wrong. His parents' pain is like Kryptonite to his psyche, making him doubt his every action and fear his own strength. Before, the fear was vague but perpetual. Seeing the results of his uninformed decision to destroy the ship clarified everything. 

And now there's this. He's been too caught up in running away to even know his best friend was missing. 

His best friend. 

He finds himself on a bench in Central Park, not seeing the people walking down the sidewalks. Images assault his mind, images of last year and the year before that overlapping each other as they remind him of the fun he and Lex used to have together. When did that change? They used to be so close, much to everyone's surprise. The odd couple, Clark thinks with a snicker. They're so different but they have so much in common. At least, it seems that way when they're together. Were together. The most unpredictable pair of friends who found comfort in each other's company, in forgetting last names and just having fun together. Those rare times when Lex would forget to ask questions about Clark's disappearing acts or unusual strength, Clark would forget too - about secrets and responsibilities and appearances. Lex treated him like an equal but lately... they haven't even spent much time together. 

_It's not like I haven't seen you shoot someone before._

The thought pops up unbidden. Clark puts his hand over his mouth, not believing he said that to Lex. As good as accused Lex of shooting his own father. Sure, he was angry, but that was no excuse. Lex had never, ever done anything to hurt him and saying that had just been _mean_. 

The past few months come rushing back to him. Clark stares at the ring on his hand, sure the red Kryptonite is glowing before he realizes it's just reflecting the light of the sun. That's it. He and Lex have drifted farther apart since that day, since Clark yelled at him and why did he... 

He remembers being mad at the whole world when they arrested his father for shooting Lionel Luthor. No one listened when Clark said his dad was being framed, so he'd gone to Lex. Lex had never doubted him, had always believed in him, had a habit of making Clark feel better. He wanted - Clark closes his eyes as he remembers that he'd wanted to go to Lex and let Lex tell him everything was going to be okay, wrap him in one of those too-rare hugs that made him feel safe and maybe... more. That was about the time he'd started wondering if _friend_ was a euphemism for what he and Lex were, if there was a possibility for... more. Clark didn't even know what that meant, doesn't now, but he'd thought he and Lex could figure it out together. But instead of unconditionally believing that Clark was right about his dad being framed, Lex had been secretive, suspicious. He thinks about how he hesitated before going in to accuse Lex of something terrible and how he'd been scared of his own feelings for Lex and just... ruined it. Because he was too afraid to face the truth. 

_I never apologized_. 

He'd accused Lex of the worst thing possible and never apologized for it. He'd stopped going out of his way to spend time with Lex and Lex had gotten involved with Helen who, according to the article, had filed for an annulment. 

Lex is in a hospital somewhere in critical condition. 

Clark hopes he isn't too late. 

* * *

It takes a few hours of eavesdropping on Lionel's phone conversations before Clark figures out Lex is in a place called Road Town, which turns out to be a town on one of the Virgin Islands near Puerto Rico. Clark runs down the east coast until he arrives in southern Florida and gets a plane ticket. It costs about as much money he has with him, but it's worth it to make sure Lex is okay. 

He stares out the window during the short plane ride, barely registering the sparkling ocean beneath him. It's a beautiful day, but all Clark can think about is Lex. Why didn't his parents say anything about Lex missing? Probably because he didn't give them a chance. He's left with a sour residue in his mouth that tastes like regret. He should have said something, done something. Something besides run away, but that's the only way he knows how to deal with anything. It's what he did when he realized the extent of his feelings for Lex. He ran so far away from those feelings that he'd nearly forgotten about them. Lex couldn't have possibly known. He'd had no reason to chase Clark when he ran away, and Clark wishes he had. Wishes he'd been brave enough to at least accept that he was - god - in love with Lex. 

And he said it. He just said it. To himself, but it still counts. 

* * *

"Family only." 

"I am family." It's a lie, but he lies all the time. Besides, it's for a good cause. 

"What is your relation?" 

Clark smiles. He can't help it. Best friend, but maybe more. Hopefully. "I'm his brother." Lying is easy, especially with the ring. It clouds pretense and only leaves room for what he really wants. He doesn't know how it works. All that matters is that it does. 

"... may be sleeping. Knock first." The woman behind the counter smiles. "213." 

And it's as simple as that. "Thanks." He knows he's grinning like an idiot. 

He finds the room after getting lost down a few corridors and cracks the door open to look in. Lex is fast asleep. His chest is rising and falling steadily under a thin white sheet and his legs are splayed across the small cot. It looks uncomfortable, but Lex probably has other things to worry about, like recovering. He's in stable condition and Clark has never been so happy to hear those words in his life. Well, except for when his mom was sick. 

Lex is really... beautiful like this. The mask he's been wearing around Clark lately is gone, his face open and trusting and even if it's just because he's asleep, Clark is glad he's able to see it. He looks calm and peaceful, and Clark tries to remember the last time he saw Lex like this. 

He knocks gently on the door, a little louder when Lex doesn't respond. "Lex?" Lex opens his eyes slowly, his breath not changing as he turns his eyes toward Clark in the doorway. A smile sneaks across his face. 

"Clark." His voice is groggy, thick, the most welcome sound Clark thinks he's ever heard. "Come in." 

Clark pulls a chair close to the bed, as quietly as possible. "Hey." He ignores the tubes and wires all around Lex to focus on his face. "How are you feeling?" It's a stupid thing to ask, but he can't think of anything else to say. He's just so happy to see Lex in a hospital bed instead of in a coffin. 

"Better." Lex starts to lift his hand, then lets it drop back to the mattress. "How did you..." He trails off, like he's not exactly sure what he wants to ask. 

"It's a long story." All his old feelings rush back to the surface, and he's energized by the trust in Lex's eyes as much as by the ring on his finger. He takes a deep breath. "Lex, there are some things I have to say to you." 

"You can tell me anything, Clark." _You always could_ , he doesn't add, but Clark thinks it. He wonders what Lex wants to hear and shakes it off. 

"I know." He wants to put his hand over Lex's, but he doesn't know if that's okay yet. He settles for clasping his hands in his lap. "Lex, we've... I've done some stupid things these last few months. I've made some mistakes and I'm afraid I've hurt our friendship. Look, I don't want to drag up old news, but when I found out what happened I just... all I could think was that I never apologized." Lex is quiet. His eyes speak for his confusion. "When my dad was framed for shooting your father, I... I said some really mean things to you. And I never apologized." He can't look at Lex anymore. "I never should've accused you of shooting your father or brought up when you... you know. I was just mad and confused and I know you only shot Nixon because you had to. You saved my dad's life and I never..." He can feel Lex watching him, wanting to say something, but waiting for Clark to finish. Because Lex is a good friend like that. "I'm sorry, Lex. For everything." 

"Clark, I don't..." It's the first time Clark has heard Lex sound uncertain and he wonders if he's said too much. But he's not done and he has to finish. He lifts his gaze and stares into Lex's eyes. 

"I've really missed you these past few months, Lex, and I know it's my fault that our friendship kind of... died." The word hurts but it has to be said. "I screwed up big time and I just... I want my friend back. I want to be your friend again." 

"Clark." He's totally shocked when Lex reaches out to touch his hand. It's... unprecedented. "You did screw up. But... everyone screws up, Clark. It takes a strong person to realize when they do, and an even stronger person to admit to it." God, he's missed Lex so much. "I'll always be your friend, Clark. As long as you want me to be." 

Clark takes out the _to be_ and clears his throat. About that. "Lex, there's, there's something else." Lex looks the question at him, so Clark continues. "I know you're not supposed to say this to your best friend, but I-" 

"Mr. Luthor?" A nurse wheels in a cart with a bunch of covered plates. "Are you still hungry?" 

"Ravenous," Lex grins. The nurse glances at their overlapped hands, but doesn't say anything as she moves to the side of the bed. 

"Let's get you sitting up," she says, adjusting the pillows and reaching for the controls. Lex rolls his head to the side and grins right at Clark as if to say, _Isn't this the life?_ Clark rolls his eyes, squeezing Lex's hand before he places it back on the bed. When Lex is in a sitting position, the nurse reaches down to push his legs together. Clark tries not to laugh. 

The nurse walks over to the meal cart while Lex pulls the tray around over his lap. "Here you go," she says pleasantly, lifting the cover. "If you need anything, just give me a buzz." 

Lex thanks her. Together, they watch her leave the room and quietly pull the door closed. Clark watches Lex survey his dish, then pull back the cover on a plastic cup. He takes a spoonful and looks at it thoughtfully before turning to Clark. "You know I haven't had Jell-O since my mo-" His eyes cloud over for a second before he plasters on a smile. "Since I was a little kid. My mother used to let me help her make it." Clark listens attentively. Lex is absolutely radiant when he talks about his mom. "I wasn't even tall enough to reach the counter, but she'd let me open the package, and lift me up on her hip when she poured the powder into the water. It fascinated me the way the powder got darker in the water, how two separate ingredients merged to create one homogeneous mixture." Lex is far away now, in another world, murmuring to himself. "Like adding jam to pudding. You can stir it in, but you can't stir it out. A collection of particles that bond together to create something entirely new, something that can't so easily be extracted." 

"Arcadia," Clark ponders out loud, and Lex looks impressed. 

" 'When you stir your rice pudding, Septimus, the spoonful of jam spreads itself round making red trails like the picture of a meteor in my astronomical atlas. But if you need stir backward, the jam will not come together again... Do you think this is odd?' " 

" 'I do,' " Clark quotes with a grin. He can't remember a passage as long as the one Lex quoted, but he can recite one line. Of course, it helps that that particular section had a big impact on him, meteor references notwithstanding. " 'You cannot stir things apart.' " It's deeper than he'd planned on being today, just grateful that Lex is alive and still wanting to be his friend. But it's cool, like those times Lex would mention something about Alexander the Great or quote Shakespeare, only now Clark can keep up. 

" 'No more you can,' " Lex replies, taking Clark's hand again, " 'time must needs run backward, and since it will not, we must stir our way onward as we go, disorder out of disorder into disorder until pink is complete, unchanging and unchangeable, and we are done with it forever.' " 

Clark finishes the quote with him. " 'This is known as free will or self-determination.' " It's such a big part of what Lex is, Lex's very philosophy of life. He remembers asking Lex about destiny, and Lex's reply. 

_You're asking someone who's been fighting his destiny his entire life._

That's when Clark understands. It's never been about their differences. It's about being able see the real person underneath all the secrets and last names. It's about questioning and trusting at the same time, and just being there for each other. All this time it's been about _them_. 

"Exactly." It takes Clark a second to realize that Lex is talking about Arcadia and hasn't, in fact, just read his mind. Lex eats the Jell-O like it's a delicacy, every last wiggling bit before speaking again. "You were about to say something before?" Does Lex sound _hopeful?_ "That you're not supposed to say to your best friend?" Lex is the one grinning like an idiot now. Clark doesn't mind a bit. 

"Yeah, Lex, I..." The ring seems to flare back to life, encouraging him. Considering how nervous Clark is right now, he needs all the encouragement he can get. Lex is holding his hand lightly, didn't let go after they stopped talking about Arcadia, and Clark looks at their linked hands for strength. "Lex, you've always been a great friend to me. And part of the reason I started kind of avoiding you was that I, well," Clark closes his eyes, "I think I might be in love with you." He says it in a rush, not daring to look up at Lex's expression, waiting for Lex to take his hand back and tell him to leave the room. But when he glances up, Lex is smiling. Not the huge crazy grin from a minute ago but a sincere smile that tells him all he wants to know. "Can I-" 

Lex doesn't flinch when he scoots his chair forward to get closer. He tentatively touches Lex's cheek, caresses a line down his jaw. Lex actually leans into his touch, lets Clark cradle his head in his palm. And it... fits. 

Lex's lips are chapped, but Clark doesn't care. He wets Lex's lips with his tongue, soothing away the burn from the sun before slipping inside to trace Lex's teeth. He feels Lex's fingers in his hair and it's just him and Lex kissing. He gets up from the chair so he can kiss Lex better, harder. Lex tastes like green Jell-O. 

Lex looks happy, then worried. "There's something I have to tell you too, Clark." Clark swallows and nods, preparing himself for whatever Lex is going to say. It can't be that bad because, well, Lex just kissed him back. "The plane crash, I..." Lex clenches his teeth together and stares out the window. "Something happened to my spine. I can't feel my legs, Clark. The doctors think I might be paralyzed." 

Can't feel his legs. Clark tries to imagine it and can't. Then another terrible thought pops into his mind. "You mean you - you can't..." How does he ask? Lex has a wry smile on his face, so he continues. "You can't drive?" 

Lex bursts out laughing and Clark sits there, astounded. What is there to laugh about? Lex not being able to sit in the driver's seat is like Chloe not being able to write for the newspaper or Clark not being able to see through walls. Not just physical walls either, but the emotional walls Lex had around him when Clark first met him, walls that were just starting to crumble when Clark made the biggest mistake of their friendship. Walls that are virtually invisible now. 

"Lex?" Maybe Lex is delirious. Clark wonders if he should call a doctor. 

"I'm sorry, Clark." Lex's laughter gradually stops and he smiles at Clark. "I thought you were going to ask about something else." 

Something else? What else would he - sex? Did Lex think he was going to ask... Clark starts laughing too. 

"No." Lex is serious now, but slightly amused, so Clark doesn't feel bad for asking. "I can't drive now but they think maybe in a few months..." 

"Oh." They sit quietly for a few minutes. 

They're still holding hands when the nurse comes in to take Lex's tray. 

* * *

_Approximately one year later..._

Clark lifts his hand to knock on the mansion door, pausing when the sunlight glints on his ring. He admires it while he waits for one of the servants to answer the door. It's much nicer than his class ring, 18 karat gold with a real ruby for a stone. Lots of guys wear pinky rings, so it's pretty inconspicuous, but Clark knows it's more than a decoration. Lex has one just like it. Lex presented it to him last week, on the anniversary of the day they went from being best friends to... more. They're more than friends now, and the ring is a constant reminder of what they share. 

He stands in the doorway, watching Lex work. He's engrossed in a conference call, but Clark knows Lex is aware of his presence, just like he always is. When he's done with the call, Lex lowers the monitor on his laptop, an open invitation for Clark to interrupt his workday. 

Clark approaches the desk before Lex can move, surprising him by climbing into his lap. "How was your day?" He slides his arms around Lex's neck. 

"Well, it _was_ pretty boring." Lex cards his hands in Clark's hair, pulling him down for a kiss. "But I'm much happier now that you're here." 

"I can tell," Clark teases. Lex's eyes twinkle before Clark kisses him again. Clark rains kisses all over his face and neck and forehead, ending with two light kisses to Lex's eyelids. "Couch?" he asks with a grin, and Lex nods. Clark reaches down to unlock the wheels and rolls them away from the desk. He moves around behind the chair to wheel Lex to the couch, bending down when they get there so Lex can loop his arms around Clark's neck. Clark puts one arm around Lex's back, the other under his knees and lifts Lex into his arms. He kisses Lex deeply before lowering them both to the couch. 

Lex lowers his hand to clasp Clark's. "You wore it," he says simply. Clark raises Lex's hand to his lips and kisses each finger in turn. "I will as long as we're together." He knows Lex is as happy as Clark feels. 

Lex deepens the kiss, holds Clark as close as humanly possible. "I love you," he murmurs. Clark scrapes his fingers over Lex's stomach, loving how it makes him shiver. 

"I know." Clark feels like he's drowning in Lex's kiss. It's the best feeling ever. "I love you too." 


End file.
